Why tango is tough on women and what to do about it
Veronica Toumanova, original text is here
It is often said that tango is particularly tough on women. When I say "women", I mean female dancers who prefer the follower's role. This article is for them and about them - us, me being one of them. This does not mean that tango is not tough on women who prefer the leader's role or that tango is not tough on men, but these are topics for a different article. Saying that tango is tough on somebody is, of course, nonsense. Tango is no such thing, tango does not exist: it is merely a name we give to an activity shared by a great variety of people who love to dance to a particular music. But because in most tango communities women currently outnumber men, we speak of gender imbalance and this does brings with it a whole array of problems.
Women, students and friends, frequently ask me: "How can I get more dances? How to get the dancers who ignore me? How not to spend so much time sitting and waiting?" Some say: "I can practice my technique all I want, in the end they will still choose a younger or a more attractive woman." Followers often feel angry about the general rule of having to wait for the leader's desire to invite them, they feel pushed back into a passive, victimizing position. Some of them, dissatisfied with it, start actively inviting leaders themselves. Sometimes this strategy works, sometime it fails. Some women enter a tenacious downward spiral of bitterness in which each new experience seems to confirm the rule of "I am never good enough for this".
Gender imbalance leads to a tough competition to get the available leaders and especially the better dancing ones. Here, too, exists a spiral, an upward one, one without end: the spiral of trying to be better and better at everything at once, competing with other women on all the levels, the skills, the age, the looks, the sociability, the popularity. Within an enclosed group such as a milonga, this pressure can become unbearable. Especially if you are not very self-confident, dress or look differently from everyone else, consider yourself unattractive, have an introverted temperament and so forth.
This competition among female followers is intensified by a particular phenomenon in our culture and the way our society functions in respect to female gender: women are judged by more and tougher criteria before they are considered any good. In tango this can be clearly seen in how we define who is a "good dancer". A man will be considered a good dancer - even an excellent one - if he leads well, embraces well, knows interesting moves, interprets the music well, in short, if he is a good LEADER. We care about what a male leader DOES and much less about how he or his dance LOOKS. He may have a clumsy embrace, stooped posture, unathletic body, put his feet down carelessly, yet still be a "good dancer" in everyone's eyes. However, we will never call a woman a "good dancer" if her posture is bad, her embrace clumsy, her feet inarticulate, her legs incapable of making beautiful lines. Where in male leaders we appreciate the leading skill, from women we demand both good following and aesthetically beautiful dancing. A woman has to DO well and LOOK well at the same time, always. This is why we have many more followers technique classes than leaders technique classes. The advantage is that we push women to become better dancers in the true sense of the word. The disadvantage is that followers need to work much harder to "get there".
Asking how to get enough dances in a gender-imbalanced situation is, in a way, like asking "Where I live, there is not enough food. How can I still eat enough?" In this perspective we have to accept that gender imbalance can only be solved by gender balance. In many tango events the organisers impose gender balance using a strict registration policy. This helps to create optimal conditions during the event, but makes it automatically harder for unpartnered followers to get a registration for such an event. If you find yourself in a place where gender imbalance is critical, know that there are places and events where this is not the case. Ask around, find these communities, visit events that are more balanced, make friends with leaders you meet. Create yourself a group of leaders you appreciate and who appreciate you and try to meet regularly at some event where you can dance all your heart desires. What you need is simply a certain REGULARITY of good experiences. A trip somewhere once in every three months, or, if you are into tango intensely, once a month.
If you ask me "How to be well in times of shortage?", then this question offers a different perspective. This is about not letting your psychological well-being depend on the number of leaders you dance with. This is a tough challenge in itself, but a lesson we often have to learn in life: how to make our sense of well-being independent of the things happening or not happening to us.
My advice would be to keep improving your dance skills. In the light of the above this might sound as "too bad, you are born a woman, just work harder". Yet, to me, thinking that you can be popular and fulfilled in tango without learning the dance skill is like imagining you can be a chef just because you like to eat. Of all the advices I can give, this one is the most pertinent, the most long-term, the most effective. Tango is a dance above all else. What ultimately counts is how you dance. I am not only talking about the tango experience you can offer the other person, I am talking in the first place about what kind of tango experience you can offer YOURSELF. A blissful dance, with a deep human connection and a good dancing skill, makes all other considerations secondary. This is a very simple and profound truth. In tango the most intense happiness is that of a good dance.
"Good dance" remains, of course, a subjective and variable thing. If you manage to see growth as a way to a deeper, stronger enjoyment of the dance, you will progress steadily, your idea of "good dance" will keep changing. No matter your current skill, you can always get better, a tiny bit every time. Skill improvement is not about tedious work to get the desired dancers, it is about giving a present to yourself: the opportunity to become a better dancer for the sake of becoming a better dancer. When you are concerned with the quality, you become less anxious about the quantity.
A combination of these things (improving your skills + regularly taking yourself to a place where you get "enough" dances) - should make your tango life already quite fulfilling. But there is another level on which things can function well if you are persistent. Make sure that in everything concerning tango you navigate towards things that make you most joyful. It is important to put yourself in a good mood before you enter a milonga, for example: ready for delightful surprises, but not taking it too seriously when things do not go well. For this you need to actively look for things that bring you in this mood. Try to follow your joy in every choice, which places you go to, how you prefer to look and dress, how you wish to dance, when you would like to rest, where you like to sit and so on. When I say "joy" I do not mean pleasure, although pleasure is often part of the experience. What gives you joy is very much defined by your temperament. When people see me sitting by myself at a distance just watching the dance floor for an hour they often think I am cold, unapproachable and lonely. Yet to me these are joyful, happy, peaceful moments, because I am introverted. You might be at your most joyful surrounded by people talking and shouting and drinking. You have to know what is you and what is not you. If you keep weaving your tango experience from joyful micro-moments, you will be a happier person and a more desirable partner. It will protect you from sliding down the spiral of dissatisfaction.
In the eyes of many women tango, being a reflection of our culture, seems to favour "the young and the beautiful". This is true for men who love dancing with beautiful young women, but this is just as true for women: we, too, love to be in the arms of young and handsome. It is important to realise, however, that in most tango communities the average age is rather high. The young crowd is often a minority. Thinking that tango is only for the young would be denying this reality. The young ones are often more passionate about becoming better dancers, but tango remains one of the very few dances in our Western culture where professionals of seventy-something still get to perform and teach at international festivals, receiving standing ovations. If you are at any age past forty and only now decided to learn tango, remember that there are many, many people out there who are exactly like you. What you need is to connect to them.
As for beauty, tango is actually a surprisingly democratic dance. This comes, again, from the simple truth that ultimately what counts is the DANCE. Beauty standards change, like fashion. When I started tango sixteen years ago my pants were long and wide and my hair short; nowadays my hair is long and my skirts are short and tight. During the "nuevo" years in Europe a lithe, flat-chested, androgynous type of female dancer was popular, nowadays it is the sexy, curvy, thin-waisted feminine type. Also, because the average age in tango is high, our subcultural beauty standards favour the adult, fully developed woman rather than a girl. No matter how you look or dress, if your priority is to love this dance, then you will always have that as your most valuable asset. Fashion, beauty images, tango itself may change, but love for the dance will not. Love and joy are always there, at the core of things, every time.